"My heart swings back and forth between the need for routine and the urge to run."
(note to self)
996

things to remember

  • don’t be angry at yourself when anxiety/depression flares up. it isn’t your fault and no one blames you and if they do they’re pieces of shit.
  • don’t orbit around your perceived value so much. you’re not the sum total of what you produce.
  • don’t let yourself wonder why people love you. that’s not how it works. there are not stark, individual reasons that a person can enumerate about why they love you. it’s the entire, unique combination of what and who you are.
"

I’ve been wanting to contact you
but I can’t figure out what to say

because now it’s 1pm on September 1st
and I’m spinning around in the pink lingerie
you bought me for our anniversary
and I’m spinning so fast,
looking down,
watching the pink ruffles twist and turn
I’m so dizzy and I can’t stop laughing,
waiting for my eyes to focus
and when they do you’re not there
so I keep spinning.
I keep spinning.

because now it’s night time in our small town
and I’m up sitting crossed legged on my perfectly made bed
and I’m tapping my thumbs on my thighs
to the beat of all of the songs we used to sing.

because now it’s me driving across that bridge
to sit in my parent’s driveway
the same way we did when we were 16,
arms crossed in a bed of ants,
laughing into the night
at the same time as the singing crickets.

because now it’s my birthday
I make a wish
and it’s you.

I’ve been wanting to contact you
but I can’t figure out what to say

she said,
“tell me. tell me what you think you’d say.”
I laugh while pulling a lighter
out of the pocket of my yellow sundress
and whisper,
I’d say:

hey.
it’s me
and it’s always been you.

"
so I keep spinning and I keep spinning//d.a.h  (via whisperingbones)
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